Recently my life has been thrown up, down and all around! I've spoken a little about this, my mother is currently going through health struggles. Which has really lead me to be confronted by mortality. Parent's die, we die and life continues. As it should! Now this is not a post where I beg for immortality. Rather I am addressing the very human things we do under these circumstances, like contacting an ex.
A lot of people will agree that contacting an ex is usually never the move! And you know what they are right! It truly never is. I discovered this when I reached out the ex boyfriend. I have only had two exes and my mother has met one. She loved him too and they had a relationship of their own. So when she fell ill, I thought about reaching out to him to let him know what was up.
I think when someone you love is going through struggles, we also hold on to memories and times that made us close to them. As my mom was admitted again into the hospital, I was having vivid dreams of me and my ex talking. I wanted his reassurance so badly. I wanted to go back to the times when him, me and my mom could all talk and be in great company. I wanted those moments back. But contacting your ex isn't how you will get it back.
In fact, I don't think I actually wanted my ex back but rather those memories. And that's where stress and grief can be confusing. There are two things that I observed.
First, you cannot use them as an emotional punching bag and only contact them when you are stressed out. That is not fair to them and whatever they have going on. Even if you think that they might care about the stress too, you're wrong. They don't!
Second, if the person is unable to support you, which is okay, there is a tactful ways of saying that. This goes for receiving any type of message where you can't support the other person. Just say "sorry to hear that, I cannot support you at this moment but I hope you are able to find the resources you need".Boom! That is a simple and respectful statement that clearly sets a boundary. But of course my ex cannot communicate and ended up just not replying to me. Which was cold but eye opening.
Overall, I am happy to learn a hard lesson from someone who had low stakes in my life. Being disappointed by an ex is actually great motivation to keep them an ex!